Say No to Others and Say Yes to Yourself

After reading this title you may be thinking this is a lot easier said than done. I get it. There’s so much that you just can’t say no to. You might think saying no means letting people down and disappointing others. You may not even know how to say no or when to say no. Maybe you don’t know what else would fill your time if you said no and you are more concerned about the guilt and anxiety you will feel for missing out or not showing up for someone that needs you. 

These are all valid feelings especially for someone that cares deeply about their friends, family, or work. And let’s face it, showing up for others is rewarding and does make you feel good about yourself. So what’s the problem? The problem is, the more you say yes to what others want or need, the more you lose sight of your own wants and needs. Over time this creates resentment, anger, stress, and a loss of self. You may lose sight of what brings you joy apart from doing things for other people and you might even forget the purpose of saying yes in the first place.

If you’re reading this post, you may be thinking that you need to start saying no. You feel overwhelmed and you’re not really sure where to start, but you know that you want to have more time to do things for yourself. That’s where I can help. I’ve created a step-by-step guide to help you through the process of learning how and when to say no.

Reflect on what you’ve been saying yes to lately. Make a list or mental note of all the things you’re saying yes to this past week. Look at each item on your list and pause for each one to determine how you feel about it. 

Ask yourself, is this something I am doing out of obligation or without even thinking about whether or not I want to do this? Why am I doing this? Also ask yourself, What would happen if I said no to this? What are the potential consequences that might happen. Are the consequences “worth it”? Choose a few events/tasks that you said yes to and imagine what your week could look like if you had said no. How might you use that time? It’s okay if your answer is I will sit on my couch for an hour. Maybe you will start prepping dinner for your family or go get an extra afternoon walk in. Really dive into the possibilities that maybe you haven’t been able to explore before.

So now you’ve imagined a better week for yourself. Sounds like a dream but how do you make this into a reality? Think about your week ahead and also be aware of any new requests that come your way. The most important part of saying no is the PAUSE before the yes. Go back to the first step before saying yes. Ask yourself, is this actually important to me? Does this thing I might say yes to align with what I value or how I want to be as a person? How might I feel afterwards? Can I delegate this task to someone else?

Now say No. You really don’t always need to have an excuse or explain your reasoning. 

You can simply say, “ “So sorry I won’t be able to make it this time. Thank you for thinking of me. Hopefully I can get the next one.”

“I have a conflict that day unfortunately. Best of luck and catch up with you soon.” Or,

“I’m so appreciative that you thought to include me in this. Things have changed for me and I just can’t make this work for me anymore.”

You might be dreading the thought of this conversation. It can be a phone call or simple text message. You don’t have to make it a bigger deal than it is. But how do you deal with the guilt and anxiety now that you have the courage to say no? Imagine the time now being free for yourself to do with it what YOU want to. That in itself is a greater outcome than saying yes to something that will create more stress and resentment.

Guilt and anxiety will show up when you say no because you care, but over time the more you say no, the better it will feel. Remember that people are able to find someone else to help them. They are also allowed to be upset at you if that’s how they feel. If they are a good friend or meant to stay in your life, they will move on. There will also likely be other opportunities to connect with them and you can always follow up for next time if you want to see them again. 

It doesn’t need to be more complicated than this, but it does often take courage to say no and it is not always an easy thing to do. I hope these tips can be a starting point for you to take back some control of your schedule in a way that works better for you and allows you some more room to breathe. 

Start small and ease your way into saying no to one thing at a time. Say yes to the things that truly bring you joy, align with what is important to you, and make you feel even more like yourself once you’re done, instead of feeling stressed or irritated.